The child screams and does not obey: the psychologist told how to communicate with fidgets12.09.2022
An ideal world in which only obedient and quietly playing children grow up is the dream of all parents. But in reality, we meet with the emotions of children, moments of disobedience, screams and tantrums. And it doesn’t always mean bad parenting.
Psychologist, neurospeech therapist and author of the methodology of statistical psychoanalysis Olga Pertseva told how to respond to the restless behavior of children.
Healthy children do not have to be comfortable for parents! It is normal that a child wants to explore the world, to express and express emotions, including negative ones.
During outbursts of anger, resentment and tantrums in a child, try not to yell at him or tell him how to behave. The kid will not hear your advice and will not accept this information.
Calm down first. Then take a deep breath and understand that this behavior is normal. After that, offer your child your help.
Over the years of working with children and adults, I have met a large number of worried and worried parents. This was their main problem, since in raising children it is important to work on yourself.
So, calm down and try to distract the baby. This will help bring him into a stable emotional state. Wait for the “explosive” emotions to subside. Then try to find and understand the reasons for this behavior. Especially if it happens regularly.
What parents have naughty children?
- Dominant and forbidding. Such parents often grow up smart and even cunning children. They often have to get out and figure out how to get around the restrictions of mom and dad. And not be punished.
- Forbidding contact with the world to avoid danger. This type of parent deprives the child of the ability to manage danger and learn to deal with it. Examples of such situations are well described in the book “50 Dangerous Things You Should Allow Your Child” by Giver Tully.
- Indifferent or closed. The sociality of such parents suffers, so their children are more likely than others to have symptoms of alexithymia . They don’t know what they want and can’t explain it to others.
Alexithymia is the inability to adequately understand one’s own emotions and correctly perceive others.
It is worth mentioning that not always the character of the child depends on the personality of the parents. However, such a relationship between the qualities of adults and children is quite common in practice.
The main factors of bad behavior
Psychologists identify the following main sources of disobedience and screaming in children.
- Changes in a child’s life. Perhaps you have a second baby, you have moved, or the kindergarten teacher has changed. Pay attention to events that may have caused your child to be disobedient.
- Difficulties for parents. Children quickly “read” the mood of adults and “infect” them. Have you noticed that the child behaves badly when it is difficult for you yourself? In such situations, do not blame yourself and the baby. Try to solve the problem or ask for help if needed.
- Manipulation . Already at 2-3 years old, children understand in advance how you will react to their actions. Therefore, if once during a tantrum you offered the child to calm down with the help of a tablet with cartoons or chocolates, then he will expect the same actions next time. For kids, everything is simple: mom has already done this, so she will do it again.
- The child lacks attention . You get tired at work, mired in a routine … And only the cry of a baby makes you communicate with him. Your son or daughter simply misses you! Try to find a balance in life and pay more attention to the child, even if he behaves well and does not cry.
Babies show negative emotions due to hunger, fatigue, or lack of sleep. But the older the child, the more complex and deeper will be the causes of the problems. Their roots are becoming more psychological than physiological.
Rare outbursts or wrong parenting system
Does your child at 2-3 years old often scream, throw things in different directions, fall on the floor and stomp their feet? Do not rush to scold the baby. He is going through a crisis, the main cause of which may be a discrepancy between desires and possibilities. The child thinks that he can do everything, but due to his physical and mental development, many things simply do not work out for him.
The second main reason for “disobedience” is the reaction of the baby to the refusal from the parents. Also, emotional behavior is often found in spoiled children. In this case, it is worth working on the effectiveness of the entire education system.
Usually 1-2 dialogues with the child about his behavior are enough for him to understand how to behave correctly. If you are still experiencing a sharp emotional outburst, then try using distraction techniques such as:
- switching attention;
- muting emotions with words;
- comfort with touches (hugs).
You are in a store. The child demands to buy a toy, and you refuse. Starts crying, hysteria. However, you should not go on about the baby. Otherwise, such situations will arise all the time, because the child will quickly “grab” that you will do everything so as not to be ashamed in front of other people.
What to do in this case? You can:
- invite the child to take a picture with the desired toy;
- distract the baby by drawing his attention to a cat, a bird, an airplane, any interesting object;
- sit down next to the child and hug him;
- try to cheer up etc.
Which children are naughty?
Society is used to labeling. An “uncomfortable” child is easier to call naughty than to understand the reasons for his disobedience. But it is about them that you should know in the first place.
- Curious kids are healthy kids. Do you think your child is a fidget? Check his psycho-emotional sphere. Perhaps it is worth directing his lively mind in a useful direction: offer your baby “quality food” for intelligence in the form of communication, books, friends, interesting games and circles. If an active child does not find a use for his energy, he will always be overexcited.
- Emotional children ≠ hyperactive. In my many years of practice, there were many cases when adults considered healthy children to be hyperactive. Often they did not know how to organize leisure for themselves and the child. Think about what you do with your baby. Maybe he lacks activity.
- Do you offer sweets, entertainment and toys to children every day? Try to gently limit such bonuses. The fact is that some children already at an early age go into a mode of constant expectation of happiness. As soon as they are deprived of entertainment and gifts, disappointment sets in. It is painful and causes emotions.
How to help children and parents?
- Stop seeing your children as enemies, monsters, scary monsters. Negative emotions are the norm.
- Remove sugar from your child’s diet if you notice frequent tantrums. In this case, it is better to associate gifts only with important occasions (Birthday, New Year, etc.).
- Follow the daily routine. Many parents begin to break it as the child grows up. However, for children, a clear daily routine is the foundation of their confidence. If something goes wrong with the baby in the morning, then the whole day can be full of surprises. And not only pleasant ones.
- Develop your child’s memory. Children with a developed memory can easily hear their parents and quickly remember what they can not do.
- Share household chores. The child will not begin to clean up toys and things if he has not had to do this before. Get out with the kids. For older children, give detailed instructions. Putting things in order forms good habits for many years to come.
- Make a clear system of prohibitions. One of the best such systems for children was proposed by Yu. B. Gippenreiter. This structuring assumes everything “possible and impossible”, namely:
- the green zone is what is always 100% possible;
- yellow zone – permissions with restrictions (for example, watch cartoons only for 30 minutes in a row, play outside at certain times, etc.);
- the orange zone is something that is rarely allowed (you can go to bed later only on New Year’s and on your birthday);
- red zone – you can never (for example, cross the road on red).
How to behave with fidgets? Instruction for parents
- Do what feels right to you. Use techniques and methods of education that are close and understandable to you.
- Do not stop. Any changes take time, so it is important not to give up and continue systematic action.
- Be consistent. Your reactions should be predictable for a child. So he will form a system of understanding. Parents, grandmothers, and other close adults should act in the same way.
- Keep calm. Your irritation only reinforces the negative reactions of the baby. Find ways to deal with your challenges: talk about them, share them, relax.
- Communicate more, talk to your child. It is important not only to tell how it is necessary, but also to listen to him, to conduct a dialogue. Then it will be easier for him to share with you.
- Notice the good in the behavior of the baby and be sure to tell him about it. Often it turns out like this: you note what you don’t like, and very rarely pay attention to the success of the baby. Try to switch to the positive qualities of your child. The reward can be hugs, attention and a smile.
- Don’t use force. Psychologists have been saying for many years that punishment and assault, including slapping on the bottom, are unacceptable methods of education. But many parents continue to use them. However, by such behavior, an adult only tells the child that it is normal to beat.
Remember that the “explosive” behavior of children often reflects your internal state. So don’t hesitate to ask for help. If you cannot cope on your own, consult a psychologist. There is nothing to be ashamed of in a visit to a specialist. On the contrary, meeting with him will only benefit you and your child.
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- Whims and tantrums in young children, site .
- What to do if the child does not obey, site .
- 8 ways to change a child’s ‘bad’ behavior, website .
- Dealing with child behavior problems, website .